It's is not unlikely that everyone has reached a point in their life at which I am at right now. I am feeling very discontent with my life and the pace at which I am moving. At this point, I feel as though I should have attained a number of things that I have not. The most difficult part of being in this state is that I feel as though I know exactly what to do, yet I lack the drive, motivation, and discipline to do so. I feel like I am exerting more effort dreaming than I am actually ensuring that my dreams become realities. I try to conjure many different reasons(maybe excuses) for my actions. I sometimes feel like maybe I'm depressed and I don't realize it lol. What scares me the most about my thoughts and actions is the idea that maybe I will never attain the things that I most want. I was laying in bed last night contemplating a lot of different solutions to my problems. I think that I should work out more, get a job, and study more. While these ideas were laughable to me at first as I began to think about the possible gains of doing these things, they weren't as funny. I think that in taking the initiative to follow through with these activities I will build a stronger work ethic, character, and more mature mentality as a whole. I feel as though I am between a rock and a hard place. I believe that my personality and mentality are conflicting with each other. I believe that my action thus far are also a reflection of my childhood environment. I have always grown up an environment where little effort was exerted toward rising above obstacles and progressing to the next level but moreso towards ensuring that you are respected at the level at which you are at, in a physical sense. There is a lot of fighting where I come from. I'm the epitome of the typical broken home story but I refuse to blame my shortcoming and downfalls on the unfortunate events of my childhood and environment. I will agree that I am somewhat aggressive or perhaps more defensive and unwilling to allow myself to be vulnurable. I pray about all of this daily but I know that change doesn't come over night. It's so funny how everyone thinks they have me all figured out but really don't know the half of it. I want to change but I am currently trying to shed the skin of my childhood environment which I have indentified with and have been identified by for so long. It's a slow process but I am determined to progress.